Switching Gears

I don't know how I feel about putting this all out here yet, but since it is something that frightens me, I feel like maybe I should just do it and get over it.
It's a step in dealing with my constant anxiety.
What I am saying in public is that I am a compulsive overeater and have a very negative relationship with food.
I am an emotional binger and my triggers are anxiety and panic.
Fear of the future and worries about the past.
overeaters-anonymous-product-image

And I am constantly boomeranging from one to the other, which means I am always just a bite away from binge eating.
I eat in secret, I lie about how much I eat.
I refuse offers of candy when my students give me a piece and then, when the room is empty, I eat two whole Snickers bars I keep in my desk.
And over the first week of Spring Break - because of anxiety about work, because of loneliness since I didn't do anything with my time except eat and watch Netflix - I climbed to my highest ever recorded weight: 318 pounds.
And so Monday I started a ReBoot Juice Fast. And I started going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings.
This week so far I've gone to 4 meetings, almost one per day. Some of them have had 20+ people, one of them was just two of us sitting in a room.
I don't know what I expect yet.
I just know that I feel horrible about how I look, I feel like I need to do something before I turn 50 this year or what is the point of continuing?
So while I face the uncertainty of unemployment, while I am doing job interviews (where I have to show up in person with this horrible self-image of a 300-pound man) where I am being judged, while I am anxious about money and choices and so many things that are out of my control… I feel like this is something I need to take control over.
So this is a huge emotional thing for me.
For a lot of reasons, I don't have many close friends to get support from, and maybe it's because of this.
So many secrets, so much shame.
Whatever. We'll see what happens next. Either I succeed and get some self-esteem about myself or I'll sink deeper into depression and gain more weight until I just become one of those shut-ins you read about online who can't leave their houses anymore.
At this point, it could go either way.
blog comments powered by Disqus