July 1993

July 12, 1993
I have decided that Steven is important enough to begin writing about. So, in brief, here is a recap of the last week.
July 3 - met Steven Allen M----- at Ripples. Took him home. Oral sex, no intercourse. Lots of conversation and giddy "mushy" talk. Beach sunrise.
July 4 - Went to a party with Thom at Steven's new house. He walked me home and spent the night. More of the same as above.
July 6 - 10:30 pm phone call. Steven invites me over to his house. No sex at all. MUCH personal talk - pasts, family, etc.
July 10 - First Date. Picnic in my living room. Steven brings Chinese. Flowers for him. His face broken out from my beard while kissing him. Spent the night but no more kissing and, consequently, no intercourse. Discussion of my fear of sexual penetration. Talk of future plans. Watched Steel Magnolias.

July 19, 1993
The best intentions in the world don't mean much if not put into action. On that note, an update. Steven and /I celebrated our two-week anniversary last Saturday - we went to the Queen Mary on Friday night. It was so romantic watching fireworks from the top deck, kissing in the moonlight. We walked around deck just like two lovers on a cruise. We had a few drinks in the Deco-styled bar and listened to some classic jazz and standards. We still haven't taken the relationship past the "dating stage" and I think that is why it is working so well. No hurries, no pressures. Just enjoying the now. Along with that goes the fact that we have not had sexual intercourse yet. Discussed it, decided it was something we both want, but have not yet done it. I thought Friday would have been the night for it, but it wasn't to be - even if we DID break the bed in the throes of passion. Tonight he came over after work just to see me. It was like my man was coming home to me after a long days work. It felt very nice to feel wanted. His roommate Marc is trying to find me a job. I understand he once worked for an agency in Santa Ana. Good leads have been hard to come by. It's not that I dislike being a "masseur," it would just be easier not to rely on it. So, it isn't love yet - but it is something like it.

July 21, 1993
Truth be told I am a bit nervous tonight. The cause is two-fold: I have this crazy rash on my legs and feet (but nowhere above the waist) and a client I had this evening. I have this dilemma between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. Steven and I both admit that we are not anything more than dating. He has said more than once that we are still "single" people. If this is the case, then an indiscretion would not be any breach of trust. If I hold to the spirit of the law, I should then forego any outside sexual relations in the hopes of a satisfying monogamous relationship with Steven. Back to the rash, as no answer is immediate to the other issue: Is it a symptom of AIDS? I am overdue for my test and have not been 100% safe anyway. I think a trip to the free clinic is in order. Now that brings up quandary number 2 - do I want to know if I am HIV+ or AIDS-symptomatic? I don't think so. I fear I am not strong enough by far to deal with that. My relationship with Steven is not solid enough to last at this point. I would be discouraged from getting a real job and would be fearful of exposing my clients to the virus. You know how sometimes, in the dark caverns of your heart, you just KNOW something is true? I think - back in October when Kaiser took away my membership - that last blood test came back positive No one called me to say it was negative, so I think it MUST have been. Crazy, isn't it? I mean, if I knew I had AIDS, I think would just junk it all - all the debt, all the hassle - and go away to... oh, France, I guess. Mexico, maybe? Just out Away. Twenty-five years old - no degree, no job, no insurance. Please, let me be wrong. Give me the chance I have dreamed of. Let my health be my strong point and let Steven be the one. Now and forever...

July 22, 1993
Well, no worries with regards to Steven tonight. We went to the movies tonight and I saw him cry over "Sleepless in Seattle." He was hesitant to show me this, but his emotions won out over his macho attitude. He greets me with the warmest kisses, holds me so tightly. After the movie, back at his place, he said, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, that "he loved this man." I told him when he decides he loves me, I would prefer to hear about it in private first. I got some cortisone cream for this leg thing. Now I just need to get that test so I can sleep better. In short, a great night with Steven. Hope is restored, the future is bright and my dreams are running wild.
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