Pushing Back

January 10, 1991
Well, I went to my second of 14 straight ACA meetings last night. This time I really think that it will help me. For starters, I verbalized for the first time what a mistake my marriage was at the time. I married the first person who said, "I love you." More and more I am comparing her to my mother and father as far as how I feel she treats me. I told Carolyn that I had questioned my sexuality and she still loved me. So I felt safe and grabbed onto her "forever." I told her that I no longer questions my sexuality, which is true, but I never told her what I had decided. The truth seems to be that I am a 4 on a Kinsey 6 scale. I just got off the phone with Christopher who has not called all week long so I had to find out if I had done something wrong. I guess that must be similar to how I make Carolyn feel when I ignore her and don't compliment her. But, that is how sex makes me feel when she refuses to compliment me… even when I ask her to. I am caught up in writing letters to guys who have advertised in a gay men's mag. I have written 6 or so and have envelopes addressed to 4 more. I wish I knew who I really was and what I really want. I finished Homecoming and now plan to re-read it and do all the exercises and meditations. I pray I succeed.

Kinsey

January 11, 1991
Well, I am at meeting number three now. Boy, I have a lot to say. Carolyn asked me earlier why I ever married her. So I told her my thoughts that I married her because she was the first person with whom I had confided and who still said she loved me. I told her that I saw in her traits of my parents. And that I see our relationship decline from the day I proposed. Most of the stuff I wrote yesterday. She reacted in much the same way as I suspected. She said that if I needed a divorce I need only let her know. I tried to tell her that I was not making any decisions, I was only in an exploring phase. That didn't seem to help her. She is so scared it makes it hard for me to continue. I keep telling myself to focus on me and not on her. But it is just so hard. I suppose the questions is whether I care enough about myself to fix myself; and if, after doing so, I will want to be in a relationship with Carolyn. Not necessarily because of who she is, but because I am not now strong enough to be with someone who has been me at my lowest points. I feel like I may be headed towards a deep valley of bad feelings. If I ever get to feel the buried pain, there will be hard times ahead. I have heard therapists refer to a fewer of recovery, and feel as though I am on the verge of such a symptom. I have just re-read the entries to date and can only wonder why things go so bad so fast. Jan 1 I was so happy I was gloating and dotty I feel estranged and alone. Crazy how the world turns.

January 13, 1991
With one full week of ACA meetings behind me, I feel no better than as of Jan 3. In fact, I feel less "normal" since I have not been able to feel anything. I told Carolyn about my dream (not really a dream -actually a fantasy of her dying as opposed to me divorcing her. I told her that I think it is because I can't bear to hurt her anymore. We talked about more stuff and I just confused her. Yesterday I gave the impression that we were going to be OK, but tonight I was speaking rather fatalistically. I wanted to tell her that I am liable to swing from one set of feelings to another with no provocation and that I expect her to understand. I didn't. She told me that she stays with me because she hopes one day I will be the same guy she met and fell in love with. I told her she was as sick as I. She didn't much like that. I have passed Step One: Admitted that I am powerless over the addiction of codependency and that my life has become unmanageable. My next step is to believe that only god can restore me to sanity. That one is going to be tough. I have yet to re-read Bradshaw, and as such, have not done any more of the exercises.

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