October 1996

October 18, 1996
(a sunny fall day in the park)
89123074
Again, clearly much has happened. I see patterns everywhere and am actually taking some big steps to stop their repeating. First, I have a handle on my diet again - 20 pounds lost in 6 weeks putting me just over 200 pounds, but losing. Jim is in my life though I don't know how that is working - is being comfortable the same as being happy? The same as being loved and respected? Need to work on that some more. I am also in a Witchcraft class again. Again, not sure if it is the right one for me but I am at least continuing with something; I enjoy the study even if not the students. I have made some changes in my friendships with Anna and Teresa: I told Teresa that she isn't someone I like very much since the wedding and began to tell Anna how I felt let down by her lack of interest in being my close friend. She feels better if she doesn't have to be anyone's foundation - and I can accept that; it means I no longer put up with her need to control everything. I am finally talking about my fear of confrontation. I explained to Anna that by standing her up on plans isn't really just me being a flake, it is me fearing any sort of conflict over my want to change plans. I admitted that I don't trust our friendship enough to risk such an episode. Better I should disappear for a day or two and let it slide than to admit I find something else more interesting than any plans with her. I think by talking about it I may be getting stronger and more secure in my own self and needs to assert my will. One sick pattern on its way down. Work is at least pleasant. I find myself thinking about the easy money of tricking again often. One of my goals for losing weight is to be able to expect to get paid for my body again. I miss the freedom of sleeping in, weekends away, late nights partying. Actually, I want to be young again. Read More...
Comments

April 1994

April 2, 1994
A word about Tony. He is a 37-year-old CPA. Meets me last November for kinky BDSM sex with another guy chez-moi and three months later we go on a date. Bodybuilder, nice guy. But something is strange. He is a wanna-be rich guy and it seems to piss him off that he isn't REALLY rich. I've seen anger at the strangest things. Then, there is also the fact that we haven't fucked on a date even once, though I spend the night once a week. I thought he was getting more personal - he invited me to a gala AIDS benefit post-Oscar party hosted by Elton John, and then to a Passover Seder later that same week. But no such luck - back pain or fatty gas or something gets in the way. He did take me to see Sunset Blvd with Glenn Close - great fucking show! But the money doesn't really impress me unless it gets me things I need; entertainment can be had cheaply; car repairs, clothing, and rent - these things can not. Read More...
Comments

March 1994

March 27, 1994
Day one (again) for my health regime. I refuse to believe that my ideal weight is 185. Let's shoot for 165, shall we? Fat-free & workouts are my goals. Let the rest take care of itself. Two men in my life, yet neither of them makes me as happy as a fun day with Thom. Roommates in our house for one month now. Been topsy-turvey. Working in LA now and am the golden boy. Still must work on building friendships and building a support network. I will call the gay center and explain my feelings of a stranger in paradise. Ha. Movies with Alex tonight. It's very nice to have an ex- as a friend. Note: he and I broke up after my Las Vegas trip indiscretion ("Thank you for coming out of my dreams and into my life.") Want to get back into computers and photography. I need a hobby to be more interesting I think. Therefore I am. Read More...
Comments

February 1994

February 14, 1994
Made a commitment to myself today: To count and consider my blessings. I have been abusing my body for two weeks, since the breakup with Alex, and it is time to stop. I am my own Valentine. Exercise and nutrition are key in my life. Sex is no longer the focus. As of today, I worship in the temple that is me. Corny? Perhaps, but it seems to work. My goal is to begin Quick Trim again on Wednesday for two weeks, then maintain a good exercise & eating plan. Then, the last two weeks before Easter, Quick Trim again. Tanning & exercise daily. Giving up masturbation and alcohol. Beginning rap group and other support. Building friends and deciding where my life is going. And what to do with Thom? Move with him or move him out? The healthier choice I hope. Mental and physical health are my new goals. They are done!
Comments

July 1993

ripples
July 12, 1993
I have decided that Steven is important enough to begin writing about. So, in brief, here is a recap of the last week.
July 3 - met Steven Allen M----- at Ripples. Took him home. Oral sex, no intercourse. Lots of conversation and giddy "mushy" talk. Beach sunrise.
July 4 - Went to a party with Thom at Steven's new house. He walked me home and spent the night. More of the same as above.
July 6 - 10:30 pm phone call. Steven invites me over to his house. No sex at all. MUCH personal talk - pasts, family, etc.
July 10 - First Date. Picnic in my living room. Steven brings Chinese. Flowers for him. His face broken out from my beard while kissing him. Spent the night but no more kissing and, consequently, no intercourse. Discussion of my fear of sexual penetration. Talk of future plans. Watched Steel Magnolias. Read More...
Comments

February 1993, Continued...

hulaboy
February 27, 1993
Oh! Becky! Hold on to this one!
I am now in Hawaii; Oahu, to be exact, and the following tale is totally un-fucking-believable!
I came out here with a client of mine, Steven, for a long weekend and ended up staying 10 days. Not only that, I met a couple who want me to move to San Francisco with them and a guy who wants me to live here with him.
Crazy world, isn't it?
Monroe is quite cute and very nice. Then Rudy and Robert are absolutely wonderful. Why doesn't shit like this happen to me back home?
I had this great hotel all to myself since the day we arrived, Steven broke his leg. He has been in the hospital ever since. I fucked like a bunny all week long.
Got a great tan and probably gained 10 pounds on Kalhua pig and pineapple.
But now, my life is in flux. Do I move to Oahu with Rudy and Robert until they move to San Francisco or do I move here with Munroe until he eventually returns to SF? Or do I go home with the knowledge that I am an attractive guy and not come back to paradise at all?
God, like can be so complex! Read More...
Comments

February 1993

fullsizeoutput_b0bf
February 6, 1993
In one short time, so many things can change,
A heart may lave its grieving lessoned be;
And thus my spirit was quickly rearranged
When with thy welcome voice spoke out to me
A stranger then, yes so no more
New hopes of love set I in store.
As Jason did the Golden Fleece pursue
O'er land and sea did cross in hopes to find,
My heart I know hath searched for one as you
Which you with youth some spirit did remind.
And all that rests upon our chanced meet
To me is candy bitter, and yet sweet.
I know you not, yet know thy sort full well.
For you, my soul hath searched; if not by name.
Then surely by purest want to tell
That if thou know true love, I can the same
Our hearts well met afore each face we see
And at such time comes true Delivery.
A phone call from my Frontiers ad proved him to be a "different" sort of person… made me smile Read More...
Comments

January 1993

livewire
January 12, 1993
Ack-centuate the Positive!
My motto for today. Two years I have had this book, and it finally has a purpose. I am grateful for that. In defining its purpose I am discovering my own. So many people tell me how wonderful I am. I intend to prove it. I took steps today - calling Rich after 2 months, calling Charles to say hello, calling John to apologize, calling Pete for lunch, and forgave myself for all my carelessness in handling these relationships in the past. See, "Everyday, in every way, I am getting better and better." I finished reading a book on focusing on the positive and now will go back and USE it! School started for me today - yet another way I am improving myself. Short but to the point today. I am thankful for the chance to do it right, right now! Read More...
Comments

And Now for Something Completely Different

171230-MyHappyPlace-018-Edit-2
Not sure what's going on.
The stars are aligned and the energy is good.
In the past 48 hours two different phenomena have manifest and they are each worth talking about.
First, I have officially entered the world of "porn photographer" after a shoot this morning with a couple who fucked 3 feet in front of me while I watched and took photos.
It was a New Year's Eve-Eve blessing.
Next… and this is the more shocking situation… while dealing with my past through transcribing my diary, more of my past has come back to me. Read More...
Comments

November 1992

November 24, 1992
The longest journey begins with the tiniest step forward. And for a change, I am not prompted to write due to a new man in my life. No, this time I am looking for a new me in my life. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and it really frightened me that I couldn't find much to be thankful for. It isn't a good feeling to wake up each day and have nothing to look forward to. No goals. No dreams. No love. No life. I need a change. I watched Shirley MacLaine's movie "Out on a Limb" and realized that a long time ago I began a journey that I aborted and never looked for a final answer. Now it is my time to find my answer. Exercise and diet are my first tools, study and research will be next tools in my quest. I begin now. Only good food for my body. In the morning I am gonna skate down to the beach. I think it would be healthy for me to get a start before the sun sets. Read More...
Comments

August 1992

fullsizeoutput_b086
August 16, 1992
Alarm! An actual entry in here. I must catch up on the latest. His name is Jeffrey Scott H---. My match made in Heaven. We met over a month ago at Disneyland. He works there, but it was his day off and he helped Teresa talk me into buying a set of mouse ears. He said I looked cute in them and I was hooked. Our first date was August 1st - we went to Ozz for dinner then to see Death Becomes Her. Anyway, we took it slow, only kissing at first. On our 6th date, we explored each other below the belt. Finally last week, we made love. It was incredible. I had an orgasm inside him last night and it nearly made me go unconscious. Read More...
Comments

January 1992

89123073
January 13, 1992
Over a year since I began - look how far I have gone!
I wish to capture a few thoughts here and make a commitment to check in here at least weekly. So much history can be captured herein. I weigh 166 today. A long way from 260, yes? Short hair instead of the hippie long I sported 12 months ago. Seeing a nice boy (Jesse) rather than being married to Carolyn - how much more opposite can I get?
Though only a waiter again, life looks pretty good. More on Jesse and such events in another entry. I just felt like making some comparisons and stressing my enjoyment of my life RIGHT NOW! Read More...
Comments

December 1991

sex-and-the-single-girl
December 18, 1991
Man Plan, Revision One
My man is Caucasian, 20-30 years old, between 5'6" and 6' tall (preferably closer to 5'9"), 130-165 pounds (taller and heavier is ok - but not over 200!). On a scale of 1 o 10, he is an 8+. Sexually he prefers to be a somewhat aggressive bottom - given to some kink and open to new games and fun. He enjoys children and entertains the notion of adoption at some point (even if it is only a fantasy for now). He may have been married, hopefully not, but he should have had a relationship with a woman to allow him to better understand my failed marriage. He is eclectically spiritual, loving and affectionate, and extremely well educated - either by formal or informal means. He is an artist of sorts, enjoys music and theater. Maybe he is a teacher or public service person. He is politically somewhat liberal and aware of issues relating to our lifestyle. He dresses well and takes care to look his best at a formal function or softball game. He doesn't smoke, do any drugs, drinks socially and occasionally indulges in a party. He enjoys sex, pleasing me comes first to him. He enjoys touching and cuddling and that can be enough to satisfy him. He is very complimentary, often telling me how wonderful I am inside and out. He is reliable and honest; I do not worry or doubt him. Most importantly - he wants to be with me and frequently asks me out. Read More...
Comments

August 1991

August 1, 1991
Time again to play catch up on the life and times of me. Am I falling in love? Or, am I just really enjoying his company? By "him" I refer, of course, to James. I spent the night with him the other day (2 days ago, July 30) and we entered the world of oral sex. We have each said "I love you: and, while I know on some level that is true, I am not entirely sure of what it means to love him. We have SO much fun, talking about lifestyles, discussing religion, postulating on politics. The intellectual stimulation is amazing. One other thing worthy of note: both James and I have changed our questionnaires on Heaven West to reflect the fact that we are "a couple." I plan to tell this to Liz tonight and have some trepidations as to what she will say. I hope she will be happy - yet I feel she will want me to be cautious. In preparation, I have prepared the following:
Read More...
Comments

Getting Through

Dance_Kevin_3
I started off thinking about what it means to be a "bear" in the gay world. I did all this research about bear events and the flyers they make for them and the reality of who shows up to the events.
I started reflecting on the kinds of guys who ask me out on dates versus the kinds of guys who want to just hook up with me, and their reasons for doing so.
In a lot of ways, being a "Daddy Bear" has a certain cache in the gay scene.
But only if that daddy bear looks like a muscular underwear model who happens to have a size 34 waist instead of 30, and who maybe has a bit more chest hair than usual.
If you're a 300-pound guy with a waist much larger than your inseam, you aren't what the market is looking for. Read More...
Comments

The End

160807-BlueandWhite-087
So this is the end of summer. Today. I go back to work tomorrow for three days of teacher meetings (cue tiny violin).
It has been a great fucking summer.
I got to spend two weeks in Orlando visiting people I love, I spent 6 weeks shooting hot guys every day in their underwear and less.
I made new friends and got involved with art events and theater events around the city.
I think one of the best things to come out of this summer is that I grew. Read More...
Comments

Worst Best-Date Ever

160721-Uniform-013-Edit
So I had a great date last night. And I had a really horrible date last night.
Here's what happened.
About two months ago, I met this guy on Tinder. He swiped right, I swiped right, so we knew there was some mutual attraction. He was going to Phoenix, then I was going to Orlando, so we kept chat light and breezy. No immediate plans were made to meet.
And I started working on this July photo challenge and I came up to Thursday and had 3 different guys back out on me for my "Uniform" shot.
I turned to Elias. Read More...
Comments

Getting the Shot

160715-Nude Avi-031-Edit
I feel like I have no story for a while, then I have an overwhelming amount to say.
Here is the story for today.
I have been doing a photography challenge for a while now, since January 1, but since I'm off work during the summer, I've kicked my efforts into high gear.
This means setting a challenge for myself that has surprised even me. It also means doing things to get the shot that I want that I know I probably should do.
That's this story.
The story of how I almost died gong to Black's Beach.
But I got the shot! Read More...
Comments

Summer Session

Keep-Calm-English-teacher
I got a message from a colleague at my old school. You may recall that I left there rather suddenly, and that one of the main reasons was the (in my opinion) poor leadership of the principal and the lack of support she gave the staff.
I got a message that she has quit. She is not coming back next year. She is done.
For a brief moment I felt like - "Oh no! I should have stayed! Things can get better now that she's gone!" Read More...
Comments

Long Lost Love

Mystery-Man-Avatar
So through a roundabout way, I came across a photo of the first boy I ever dated way back in high school, 1984. Thirty-two years ago.
One of my best friends, Jenny, dated a guy,we'll call him Chris, for a short while. Chris was a football jock. And secretly gay. He is now a leather pup owned by a leather bear title holder. Things change.
Since Chris knows my friend Don through the leather community, he showed up on my Faceplace page as "Someone you might know."
And next to his picture was a photo of David.
The first boy I loved. Read More...
Comments

Two Torrid Tales, Deux

GayPulp2
OK, it's Saturday morning, I'm having coffee, I'm awake.
Time for the second tale.
So last week I met a guy - also on Tinder, I believe, though maybe on Surge (the new, all-gay version of Tinder). We flirted for a day or two, mutual chemistry, intelligent, good sense of humor, the whole lot.
Then one night we did something I haven't done since high school - we talked on the phone for 3 hours. Read More...
Comments

Two Torrid Tales

GayPulp3
This may get a little spicy for some of you, but I have two stories to tell about two guys that I (sort of) had dates with this past week.
They're both bad, and one of the stories involves where I put my penis, so you may want to skip this if you're not ready for that kind of information.
To begin, I had this date with a guy I met off Tinder. Yes, I'm on Tinder. I figured it was less hookup-ey than Scruff or Growlr and I really wanted to go on a date.
So I meet this guy, he's shy, he says, and he doesn't want to meet in Hillcrest, so we meet at a coffee place in Normal Heights and then go have a burger and beer.
We're chatting, but I'm anxious and he's shy and it is going slowly. Read More...
Comments

Backing Away

IMG_0061
It is said that what annoys you most in others is often a reflection of what annoys you about yourself. The traits that annoy us most in others are probably the issues we most need to work on the most. Fuck that noise.
I hate flaky behavior. Read More...
Comments