Depression

March 1991

March 10, 1991
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My weekly encryptions seem to be waning in their happenings. C'est la guerre! Last week was a terribly depressing one. My therapy last Thursday was shared with Carolyn, and wasted, I fear. Neither she nor I have opened the conversation that should have evaluated the session for its good and bad points. In fact, we have scarcely spoken since. Liz did ask me about the origin of my depression and as near as I can tell, it is now a frenzied numbness as a result of too much internalized hatred. She opened the subject of anti-depressant drug therapy, something worth thinking about. I am reminded of the Patty Duke movie Call Me Anna. I was going to ask if she meant Lithium, but didn't want to appear too eager for a drug fix. She told me to call if I begin to feel suicidal. I don't know if it counts but I have been fantasizing that I die in surgery on Friday. I am having my wisdom teeth pulled and have heard such wonderful stories of how quick and total an anesthetic it is. I keep thinking that if I should die during the surgery, I will not feel any more pain. I fear that I do not want to be married anymore. I long for romance & excitement & passion, but I think Carolyn knows me all too well for any mysterious liaison such as I am seeking. Perhaps I should really seek my true self and in that discovery I will come to realize what the real "I" wants from life. I am, however, a rather impatient chap and not familiar with the waiting game. Read More...
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