January 1993

livewire
January 12, 1993
Ack-centuate the Positive!
My motto for today. Two years I have had this book, and it finally has a purpose. I am grateful for that. In defining its purpose I am discovering my own. So many people tell me how wonderful I am. I intend to prove it. I took steps today - calling Rich after 2 months, calling Charles to say hello, calling John to apologize, calling Pete for lunch, and forgave myself for all my carelessness in handling these relationships in the past. See, "Everyday, in every way, I am getting better and better." I finished reading a book on focusing on the positive and now will go back and USE it! School started for me today - yet another way I am improving myself. Short but to the point today. I am thankful for the chance to do it right, right now! Read More...
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November 1992

November 24, 1992
The longest journey begins with the tiniest step forward. And for a change, I am not prompted to write due to a new man in my life. No, this time I am looking for a new me in my life. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and it really frightened me that I couldn't find much to be thankful for. It isn't a good feeling to wake up each day and have nothing to look forward to. No goals. No dreams. No love. No life. I need a change. I watched Shirley MacLaine's movie "Out on a Limb" and realized that a long time ago I began a journey that I aborted and never looked for a final answer. Now it is my time to find my answer. Exercise and diet are my first tools, study and research will be next tools in my quest. I begin now. Only good food for my body. In the morning I am gonna skate down to the beach. I think it would be healthy for me to get a start before the sun sets. Read More...
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August 1992

fullsizeoutput_b086
August 16, 1992
Alarm! An actual entry in here. I must catch up on the latest. His name is Jeffrey Scott H---. My match made in Heaven. We met over a month ago at Disneyland. He works there, but it was his day off and he helped Teresa talk me into buying a set of mouse ears. He said I looked cute in them and I was hooked. Our first date was August 1st - we went to Ozz for dinner then to see Death Becomes Her. Anyway, we took it slow, only kissing at first. On our 6th date, we explored each other below the belt. Finally last week, we made love. It was incredible. I had an orgasm inside him last night and it nearly made me go unconscious. Read More...
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January 1992

89123073
January 13, 1992
Over a year since I began - look how far I have gone!
I wish to capture a few thoughts here and make a commitment to check in here at least weekly. So much history can be captured herein. I weigh 166 today. A long way from 260, yes? Short hair instead of the hippie long I sported 12 months ago. Seeing a nice boy (Jesse) rather than being married to Carolyn - how much more opposite can I get?
Though only a waiter again, life looks pretty good. More on Jesse and such events in another entry. I just felt like making some comparisons and stressing my enjoyment of my life RIGHT NOW! Read More...
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December 1991

sex-and-the-single-girl
December 18, 1991
Man Plan, Revision One
My man is Caucasian, 20-30 years old, between 5'6" and 6' tall (preferably closer to 5'9"), 130-165 pounds (taller and heavier is ok - but not over 200!). On a scale of 1 o 10, he is an 8+. Sexually he prefers to be a somewhat aggressive bottom - given to some kink and open to new games and fun. He enjoys children and entertains the notion of adoption at some point (even if it is only a fantasy for now). He may have been married, hopefully not, but he should have had a relationship with a woman to allow him to better understand my failed marriage. He is eclectically spiritual, loving and affectionate, and extremely well educated - either by formal or informal means. He is an artist of sorts, enjoys music and theater. Maybe he is a teacher or public service person. He is politically somewhat liberal and aware of issues relating to our lifestyle. He dresses well and takes care to look his best at a formal function or softball game. He doesn't smoke, do any drugs, drinks socially and occasionally indulges in a party. He enjoys sex, pleasing me comes first to him. He enjoys touching and cuddling and that can be enough to satisfy him. He is very complimentary, often telling me how wonderful I am inside and out. He is reliable and honest; I do not worry or doubt him. Most importantly - he wants to be with me and frequently asks me out. Read More...
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August 1991

August 1, 1991
Time again to play catch up on the life and times of me. Am I falling in love? Or, am I just really enjoying his company? By "him" I refer, of course, to James. I spent the night with him the other day (2 days ago, July 30) and we entered the world of oral sex. We have each said "I love you: and, while I know on some level that is true, I am not entirely sure of what it means to love him. We have SO much fun, talking about lifestyles, discussing religion, postulating on politics. The intellectual stimulation is amazing. One other thing worthy of note: both James and I have changed our questionnaires on Heaven West to reflect the fact that we are "a couple." I plan to tell this to Liz tonight and have some trepidations as to what she will say. I hope she will be happy - yet I feel she will want me to be cautious. In preparation, I have prepared the following:
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July 1991

July 26, 1991
Rather appropriate that I should begin to write again on the two month anniversary of my last entry. This one is called, "I Had a Dream."
In the dream, I was driving along a rather deserted highway across a sparse landscape. I am crying and wearing sunglasses. I get pulled over by a cop who asks for my ID. He then asks me to take off my sunglasses and when I do, I realize that my eyes are closed and have been the whole time. In fact, I can not open them. I think this was some sort of warning that I ought to be more careful in my search for witchcraft. I was given a Statement by a witch recently and have not yet read it. I am still reading Drawing Down the Moon. More later. Read More...
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May 1991

9106205a
May 1, 1991
New day, new month, same old shit.
Separation is now only 30 days away - the end of my marriage. The end of all I have invested in and worked at for 3 full years. Gone in a whimper; not even the courtesy of a flash! The janitor at AVED told me I looked fat tonight. My own wife couldn't tell me, but a stranger can. I do weight 249 - I caught myself just before hitting an eighth of a ton.
An eighth of a ton!
I talked with Lisa tonight for an hour or so. There is someone who, though co-dependent, can be a real friend. Hell, I went out for the first time in 6 months because of her. And this Angie thing… She is rewarded at work for being a bitch and I am punished by being made to work until 10:30 because I am dedicated. What a crock of shit! I have therapy tomorrow and am looking forward to the chance toga some insight. Liz also didn't know until Tuesday that I had asked for a separation in formal terms so we have yet to talk about that. I miss the friendship Carolyn and I used to have. I may be entering a grieving process over the loss. I just don' know what is real anymore and what I want… Read More...
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April 1991

herman
April 7, 1991
Well, I just did what must be the last act of a desperate man. I bought a friend. To be entirely correct, I bought a rat, Herman, to be my friend. I figure I rent a friend once a week in therapy, why no buy one for the home? I am using the old snake cage for his home; I hope he will be happy, though in this house, I doubt it is possible. Carolyn has the people at work, she has the dog, she has her folks, and I have nothing. Even Andrew is no longer a companion. I wonder if Herman can smell all the mice fed to the snake over the years…? I am going to ACA again tonight. Take 3. I talked with Liz about my not having friends and she thinks that ACA is a great place to start. The problem is that when I begin to make friends, I close them off to keep them from getting closer. I also started reading Bradshaw's book Homecoming again. This time I will do the meditations and exercises. Along with ACA and Liz, I hope to speed up my recovery. That way I will know sooner if I want to stay married or not. And then I can do something about it instead of living in this zombie state of apathy and indifference. Read More...
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March 1991

March 10, 1991
Pasted Graphic
My weekly encryptions seem to be waning in their happenings. C'est la guerre! Last week was a terribly depressing one. My therapy last Thursday was shared with Carolyn, and wasted, I fear. Neither she nor I have opened the conversation that should have evaluated the session for its good and bad points. In fact, we have scarcely spoken since. Liz did ask me about the origin of my depression and as near as I can tell, it is now a frenzied numbness as a result of too much internalized hatred. She opened the subject of anti-depressant drug therapy, something worth thinking about. I am reminded of the Patty Duke movie Call Me Anna. I was going to ask if she meant Lithium, but didn't want to appear too eager for a drug fix. She told me to call if I begin to feel suicidal. I don't know if it counts but I have been fantasizing that I die in surgery on Friday. I am having my wisdom teeth pulled and have heard such wonderful stories of how quick and total an anesthetic it is. I keep thinking that if I should die during the surgery, I will not feel any more pain. I fear that I do not want to be married anymore. I long for romance & excitement & passion, but I think Carolyn knows me all too well for any mysterious liaison such as I am seeking. Perhaps I should really seek my true self and in that discovery I will come to realize what the real "I" wants from life. I am, however, a rather impatient chap and not familiar with the waiting game. Read More...
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February 1991

February 4, 1991
bondage
Dream - mother & father, roles reversed. They are poor, father working class luck, I am well-established. There is a chipped cola glass, father reading "Buds & Insects" about giant insects that eat people.

February 7, 1991
Again, a long time passes without writing. I am going to my third meeting with Liz Slocum, my therapist. I talked with Brent Isaacs last night from work. I am feeling very bad lately, mostly due to my work. In over a year no-one has had the decency to review my performance or offer me a raise. Brenda thinks I am worth whatever I ask, and that there is no reason at all that my so-called "demands" wouldn't be met. Even Wayne Vannoy has told me several times this week that I am doing a great job. I may bring this up this evening at my therapy - maybe not. I don't seem to have much strength to even ask for what I want anymore. Or ever… Read More...
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WTF

9106201a
January 30, 1991
Sunrise, sunset… swiftly flow the days. So much has happened. World events aside (though I have been saving the front page of the paper for posterity), domestic trials appear to be over. I have seen a therapist who Carolyn and I both feel might help. She and I have reconciled most of our differences and are trying a new approach to a relationship - honesty. We have cleansed a lot of old issues and decided against taboos in our marriage. We have even been making new friends: a married couple with whom we work. We have also been integrated into the work clique as we have been to happy hour and a Super Bowl party with the group. Andrew is phasing out, Christopher is a fringe and I have found sincere friendship in Carolyn. School is in full swing and is keeping me very busy. Yesterday was my first anniversary at AVED - a feat of which I was considerably proud seeing as I have only remained steadily employed for this duration once before in my life: Claim Jumper. No one at AVED even remarked on it, nor has anyone made any offer of a performance or wage review. I have been terrified of broaching the subject - and generally feeling unappreciated. The hour is late, more tomorrow. Read More...
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More Background

January 16, 1991
desertstorm
It is 9:00 pm as I write, which is means that the US strike against Iraq began 5 1./2 hours ago and ended some three hours ago. My heart is heavy having witnessed the first armed conflict of this scale since Vietnam. All other things seem to pale by comparison. Carolyn and I have had many long talks, the details of which I shall outline later. Christopher seems to be out and Dan seems to be in. More on that later, as well. I recall three men in a Baghdad hotel reporting on the air raid and I am proud of them.
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Pushing Back

January 10, 1991
Kinsey
Well, I went to my second of 14 straight ACA meetings last night. This time I really think that it will help me. For starters, I verbalized for the first time what a mistake my marriage was at the time. I married the first person who said, "I love you." More and more I am comparing her to my mother and father as far as how I feel she treats me. I told Carolyn that I had questioned my sexuality and she still loved me. So I felt safe and grabbed onto her "forever." I told her that I no longer questions my sexuality, which is true, but I never told her what I had decided. The truth seems to be that I am a 4 on a Kinsey 6 scale. I just got off the phone with Christopher who has not called all week long so I had to find out if I had done something wrong. I guess that must be similar to how I make Carolyn feel when I ignore her and don't compliment her. But, that is how sex makes me feel when she refuses to compliment me… even when I ask her to. I am caught up in writing letters to guys who have advertised in a gay men's mag. I have written 6 or so and have envelopes addressed to 4 more. I wish I knew who I really was and what I really want. I finished Homecoming and now plan to re-read it and do all the exercises and meditations. I pray I succeed. Read More...
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Looking Back to Move Forward

IMG_0574
I'm no Anne Frank. Let's begin there. I'm not trying to be famous after I die (what's the value in that?)
I'm not exactly sure why I keep these in the first place.
But what I do believe is that the diaries of my youth have no value if I never go back and read them. And since I'm going back to read them, I may as well share them here as weekly-ish blog posts.
Let's begin where I can begin: January 1, 1991… literally half my life ago. Read More...
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