October 1996

October 18, 1996
(a sunny fall day in the park)
89123074
Again, clearly much has happened. I see patterns everywhere and am actually taking some big steps to stop their repeating. First, I have a handle on my diet again - 20 pounds lost in 6 weeks putting me just over 200 pounds, but losing. Jim is in my life though I don't know how that is working - is being comfortable the same as being happy? The same as being loved and respected? Need to work on that some more. I am also in a Witchcraft class again. Again, not sure if it is the right one for me but I am at least continuing with something; I enjoy the study even if not the students. I have made some changes in my friendships with Anna and Teresa: I told Teresa that she isn't someone I like very much since the wedding and began to tell Anna how I felt let down by her lack of interest in being my close friend. She feels better if she doesn't have to be anyone's foundation - and I can accept that; it means I no longer put up with her need to control everything. I am finally talking about my fear of confrontation. I explained to Anna that by standing her up on plans isn't really just me being a flake, it is me fearing any sort of conflict over my want to change plans. I admitted that I don't trust our friendship enough to risk such an episode. Better I should disappear for a day or two and let it slide than to admit I find something else more interesting than any plans with her. I think by talking about it I may be getting stronger and more secure in my own self and needs to assert my will. One sick pattern on its way down. Work is at least pleasant. I find myself thinking about the easy money of tricking again often. One of my goals for losing weight is to be able to expect to get paid for my body again. I miss the freedom of sleeping in, weekends away, late nights partying. Actually, I want to be young again. Read More...
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February 1993, Continued...

hulaboy
February 27, 1993
Oh! Becky! Hold on to this one!
I am now in Hawaii; Oahu, to be exact, and the following tale is totally un-fucking-believable!
I came out here with a client of mine, Steven, for a long weekend and ended up staying 10 days. Not only that, I met a couple who want me to move to San Francisco with them and a guy who wants me to live here with him.
Crazy world, isn't it?
Monroe is quite cute and very nice. Then Rudy and Robert are absolutely wonderful. Why doesn't shit like this happen to me back home?
I had this great hotel all to myself since the day we arrived, Steven broke his leg. He has been in the hospital ever since. I fucked like a bunny all week long.
Got a great tan and probably gained 10 pounds on Kalhua pig and pineapple.
But now, my life is in flux. Do I move to Oahu with Rudy and Robert until they move to San Francisco or do I move here with Munroe until he eventually returns to SF? Or do I go home with the knowledge that I am an attractive guy and not come back to paradise at all?
God, like can be so complex! Read More...
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February 1993

fullsizeoutput_b0bf
February 6, 1993
In one short time, so many things can change,
A heart may lave its grieving lessoned be;
And thus my spirit was quickly rearranged
When with thy welcome voice spoke out to me
A stranger then, yes so no more
New hopes of love set I in store.
As Jason did the Golden Fleece pursue
O'er land and sea did cross in hopes to find,
My heart I know hath searched for one as you
Which you with youth some spirit did remind.
And all that rests upon our chanced meet
To me is candy bitter, and yet sweet.
I know you not, yet know thy sort full well.
For you, my soul hath searched; if not by name.
Then surely by purest want to tell
That if thou know true love, I can the same
Our hearts well met afore each face we see
And at such time comes true Delivery.
A phone call from my Frontiers ad proved him to be a "different" sort of person… made me smile Read More...
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January 1993

livewire
January 12, 1993
Ack-centuate the Positive!
My motto for today. Two years I have had this book, and it finally has a purpose. I am grateful for that. In defining its purpose I am discovering my own. So many people tell me how wonderful I am. I intend to prove it. I took steps today - calling Rich after 2 months, calling Charles to say hello, calling John to apologize, calling Pete for lunch, and forgave myself for all my carelessness in handling these relationships in the past. See, "Everyday, in every way, I am getting better and better." I finished reading a book on focusing on the positive and now will go back and USE it! School started for me today - yet another way I am improving myself. Short but to the point today. I am thankful for the chance to do it right, right now! Read More...
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And Now for Something Completely Different

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Not sure what's going on.
The stars are aligned and the energy is good.
In the past 48 hours two different phenomena have manifest and they are each worth talking about.
First, I have officially entered the world of "porn photographer" after a shoot this morning with a couple who fucked 3 feet in front of me while I watched and took photos.
It was a New Year's Eve-Eve blessing.
Next… and this is the more shocking situation… while dealing with my past through transcribing my diary, more of my past has come back to me. Read More...
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November 1992

November 24, 1992
The longest journey begins with the tiniest step forward. And for a change, I am not prompted to write due to a new man in my life. No, this time I am looking for a new me in my life. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and it really frightened me that I couldn't find much to be thankful for. It isn't a good feeling to wake up each day and have nothing to look forward to. No goals. No dreams. No love. No life. I need a change. I watched Shirley MacLaine's movie "Out on a Limb" and realized that a long time ago I began a journey that I aborted and never looked for a final answer. Now it is my time to find my answer. Exercise and diet are my first tools, study and research will be next tools in my quest. I begin now. Only good food for my body. In the morning I am gonna skate down to the beach. I think it would be healthy for me to get a start before the sun sets. Read More...
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August 1992

fullsizeoutput_b086
August 16, 1992
Alarm! An actual entry in here. I must catch up on the latest. His name is Jeffrey Scott H---. My match made in Heaven. We met over a month ago at Disneyland. He works there, but it was his day off and he helped Teresa talk me into buying a set of mouse ears. He said I looked cute in them and I was hooked. Our first date was August 1st - we went to Ozz for dinner then to see Death Becomes Her. Anyway, we took it slow, only kissing at first. On our 6th date, we explored each other below the belt. Finally last week, we made love. It was incredible. I had an orgasm inside him last night and it nearly made me go unconscious. Read More...
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January 1992

89123073
January 13, 1992
Over a year since I began - look how far I have gone!
I wish to capture a few thoughts here and make a commitment to check in here at least weekly. So much history can be captured herein. I weigh 166 today. A long way from 260, yes? Short hair instead of the hippie long I sported 12 months ago. Seeing a nice boy (Jesse) rather than being married to Carolyn - how much more opposite can I get?
Though only a waiter again, life looks pretty good. More on Jesse and such events in another entry. I just felt like making some comparisons and stressing my enjoyment of my life RIGHT NOW! Read More...
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December 1991

sex-and-the-single-girl
December 18, 1991
Man Plan, Revision One
My man is Caucasian, 20-30 years old, between 5'6" and 6' tall (preferably closer to 5'9"), 130-165 pounds (taller and heavier is ok - but not over 200!). On a scale of 1 o 10, he is an 8+. Sexually he prefers to be a somewhat aggressive bottom - given to some kink and open to new games and fun. He enjoys children and entertains the notion of adoption at some point (even if it is only a fantasy for now). He may have been married, hopefully not, but he should have had a relationship with a woman to allow him to better understand my failed marriage. He is eclectically spiritual, loving and affectionate, and extremely well educated - either by formal or informal means. He is an artist of sorts, enjoys music and theater. Maybe he is a teacher or public service person. He is politically somewhat liberal and aware of issues relating to our lifestyle. He dresses well and takes care to look his best at a formal function or softball game. He doesn't smoke, do any drugs, drinks socially and occasionally indulges in a party. He enjoys sex, pleasing me comes first to him. He enjoys touching and cuddling and that can be enough to satisfy him. He is very complimentary, often telling me how wonderful I am inside and out. He is reliable and honest; I do not worry or doubt him. Most importantly - he wants to be with me and frequently asks me out. Read More...
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August 1991

August 1, 1991
Time again to play catch up on the life and times of me. Am I falling in love? Or, am I just really enjoying his company? By "him" I refer, of course, to James. I spent the night with him the other day (2 days ago, July 30) and we entered the world of oral sex. We have each said "I love you: and, while I know on some level that is true, I am not entirely sure of what it means to love him. We have SO much fun, talking about lifestyles, discussing religion, postulating on politics. The intellectual stimulation is amazing. One other thing worthy of note: both James and I have changed our questionnaires on Heaven West to reflect the fact that we are "a couple." I plan to tell this to Liz tonight and have some trepidations as to what she will say. I hope she will be happy - yet I feel she will want me to be cautious. In preparation, I have prepared the following:
Read More...
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March 1991

March 10, 1991
Pasted Graphic
My weekly encryptions seem to be waning in their happenings. C'est la guerre! Last week was a terribly depressing one. My therapy last Thursday was shared with Carolyn, and wasted, I fear. Neither she nor I have opened the conversation that should have evaluated the session for its good and bad points. In fact, we have scarcely spoken since. Liz did ask me about the origin of my depression and as near as I can tell, it is now a frenzied numbness as a result of too much internalized hatred. She opened the subject of anti-depressant drug therapy, something worth thinking about. I am reminded of the Patty Duke movie Call Me Anna. I was going to ask if she meant Lithium, but didn't want to appear too eager for a drug fix. She told me to call if I begin to feel suicidal. I don't know if it counts but I have been fantasizing that I die in surgery on Friday. I am having my wisdom teeth pulled and have heard such wonderful stories of how quick and total an anesthetic it is. I keep thinking that if I should die during the surgery, I will not feel any more pain. I fear that I do not want to be married anymore. I long for romance & excitement & passion, but I think Carolyn knows me all too well for any mysterious liaison such as I am seeking. Perhaps I should really seek my true self and in that discovery I will come to realize what the real "I" wants from life. I am, however, a rather impatient chap and not familiar with the waiting game. Read More...
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More Background

January 16, 1991
desertstorm
It is 9:00 pm as I write, which is means that the US strike against Iraq began 5 1./2 hours ago and ended some three hours ago. My heart is heavy having witnessed the first armed conflict of this scale since Vietnam. All other things seem to pale by comparison. Carolyn and I have had many long talks, the details of which I shall outline later. Christopher seems to be out and Dan seems to be in. More on that later, as well. I recall three men in a Baghdad hotel reporting on the air raid and I am proud of them.
Read More...
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Pushing Back

January 10, 1991
Kinsey
Well, I went to my second of 14 straight ACA meetings last night. This time I really think that it will help me. For starters, I verbalized for the first time what a mistake my marriage was at the time. I married the first person who said, "I love you." More and more I am comparing her to my mother and father as far as how I feel she treats me. I told Carolyn that I had questioned my sexuality and she still loved me. So I felt safe and grabbed onto her "forever." I told her that I no longer questions my sexuality, which is true, but I never told her what I had decided. The truth seems to be that I am a 4 on a Kinsey 6 scale. I just got off the phone with Christopher who has not called all week long so I had to find out if I had done something wrong. I guess that must be similar to how I make Carolyn feel when I ignore her and don't compliment her. But, that is how sex makes me feel when she refuses to compliment me… even when I ask her to. I am caught up in writing letters to guys who have advertised in a gay men's mag. I have written 6 or so and have envelopes addressed to 4 more. I wish I knew who I really was and what I really want. I finished Homecoming and now plan to re-read it and do all the exercises and meditations. I pray I succeed. Read More...
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Looking Back to Move Forward

IMG_0574
I'm no Anne Frank. Let's begin there. I'm not trying to be famous after I die (what's the value in that?)
I'm not exactly sure why I keep these in the first place.
But what I do believe is that the diaries of my youth have no value if I never go back and read them. And since I'm going back to read them, I may as well share them here as weekly-ish blog posts.
Let's begin where I can begin: January 1, 1991… literally half my life ago. Read More...
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Dragged

SashaS9
So this is crazy. I'm watching the finale of Rupaul's Drag Race Season 9 and I got misty eyed.
Oh, I already know who won thanks to FB spoilers starting at 5pm PDT.
But when Sasha and Shea finished their challenge and then just hugged each other, realizing that only one of them could move on and one of them was going home… I nearly cried.
You could see all season how these two loved each other.
You can see in their eyes, their faces, their body language that these are two people who care deeply about one another.
I miss that. Read More...
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This Pride Flag Thing

New-Pride-Flag
No one reads this anymore, so it's a good place for me to put down some thoughts about this "controversy" to change the Philadelphia Pride Flag.
I am fully aware that I say these things as a CIS-male with pinkish skin tones - hey, if this is about people of color, I want to be accurate about mine.
I am also aware that just because I am not labeled as a "person of color" my opinion will be considered racist and my thoughts on the matter will be deemed void by an entire group of apologists for the new pride flag.
And that is exactly my issue with it. Read More...
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The Circus

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Did something I haven't done in a long, long time. Went out to an actual nightclub last night - Stripper Circus at Rich's. I forgot how much I love watching gogo boys. Damn. Gogo boys. Ahem. Yes. Well, I had fun! Read More...
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Getting Through

Dance_Kevin_3
I started off thinking about what it means to be a "bear" in the gay world. I did all this research about bear events and the flyers they make for them and the reality of who shows up to the events.
I started reflecting on the kinds of guys who ask me out on dates versus the kinds of guys who want to just hook up with me, and their reasons for doing so.
In a lot of ways, being a "Daddy Bear" has a certain cache in the gay scene.
But only if that daddy bear looks like a muscular underwear model who happens to have a size 34 waist instead of 30, and who maybe has a bit more chest hair than usual.
If you're a 300-pound guy with a waist much larger than your inseam, you aren't what the market is looking for. Read More...
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Non-Reactive

14992080_10155400235198496_8643795238920737432_n
I haven't talked to anyone in 3 days.
I mean, I've gone to work, I've done my job, I've taught. But I haven't engaged with any adults on the topic of Tuesday's election.
I haven't made a Facebook post or commented on any other posts on the topic.
I haven't been texting my friends for our daily bullshit like I used to do.
I'm not shocked. I'm not stunned… Read More...
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As Gay as Can Be

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What a difference a year makes. Last year, despite having bought an annual pass with a friend, he went off to Disney's Gay Days without offering me an invitation to join in.
This year, I have made new friends and had a blast at the happiest place on earth. And then after the gay bars closed, I went to Disneyland!
The weekend of gayness and debauchery all began on Friday night.
A boy I've been trying to photograph for months let me know that he would be performing a boylesque routine at the Gossip Grill on Friday night. Rick and I went out to dinner at the Grill, then made our way inside for the show.
Being in a gay bar, it of course began more than half an hour late. The drag queens did two numbers and then took a "20 minute break" which we thought meant half an hour or more…. and since Gossip Grill was a lesbian bar, we aren't that keen on staying. Read More...
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Worst Best-Date Ever

160721-Uniform-013-Edit
So I had a great date last night. And I had a really horrible date last night.
Here's what happened.
About two months ago, I met this guy on Tinder. He swiped right, I swiped right, so we knew there was some mutual attraction. He was going to Phoenix, then I was going to Orlando, so we kept chat light and breezy. No immediate plans were made to meet.
And I started working on this July photo challenge and I came up to Thursday and had 3 different guys back out on me for my "Uniform" shot.
I turned to Elias. Read More...
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Happy Pride

160716-SDPride-074
For the first time in a long time, I actually went to - and enjoyed - a gay pride festival. I remember back in the day when I was young and the festival was about celebrating coming out and loving, as demonstrated on floats filled with men in speedos or less. Then I turned 30 and moved away to the UK and everything changed.
In my 30's Pride festivals seemed to be about drugs and unprotected unsafe sex in porto-johns. It was about all-night dance parties with hot fit guys, and I was not one of those.The festivals and parades also seemed to be giant commercials, "Pride hosted by Verizon!" or "Albertson's Supports the LGBT Community!" Was this gay?
By the time I was 40, I just wanted to shout: "Get off my lawn!" if the parade got too near or if the festival space slowed my commute.
But this year, I actually had fun.
Partly because they brought the speedo-clad sexy boys back on the floats. Read More...
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Getting the Shot

160715-Nude Avi-031-Edit
I feel like I have no story for a while, then I have an overwhelming amount to say.
Here is the story for today.
I have been doing a photography challenge for a while now, since January 1, but since I'm off work during the summer, I've kicked my efforts into high gear.
This means setting a challenge for myself that has surprised even me. It also means doing things to get the shot that I want that I know I probably should do.
That's this story.
The story of how I almost died gong to Black's Beach.
But I got the shot! Read More...
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Orlando, I Love You

PulseBenefitPH-31
I have just come back from getting LIFE!
Thank you, Orlando family, for being what I needed at this stage in the game. As I mentioned a bit ago, things with the Happy Hour Group were falling apart, and I really needed some love and fun and friendship from people I've known and loved for 5 years.
True, I did start drinking at 7pm on July 4 and didn't stop until I went to bed on July 13.
True, my body feels absolutely beat up from all the drinking and the heat and the smokey bars…
But every wince of pain reminds me that I had a fucking good time with my people in Otown. Read More...
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Chinua Achebe Was Right

160613-OrlandoStrong-057
Some background:
Meetup.com is a place where you can find others who have common interests and plan to meet up. If you're into collecting Disney pins, or lawn darts, or skydiving, you can find a Meetup group to share your passion.
When I moved to San Diego, one of my first priorities was joining a Meetup group for gay men in the area. I found one specifically for single men over 35. These are my people.
Now, on to the story…
Read More...
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Summer Session

Keep-Calm-English-teacher
I got a message from a colleague at my old school. You may recall that I left there rather suddenly, and that one of the main reasons was the (in my opinion) poor leadership of the principal and the lack of support she gave the staff.
I got a message that she has quit. She is not coming back next year. She is done.
For a brief moment I felt like - "Oh no! I should have stayed! Things can get better now that she's gone!" Read More...
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Dangrous Kiss

At dinner
His hand on my knee
Brushed aside
As the waiter approaches
Tension builds
He is delicious
He is dangerous
Read More...
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OrlandoStrong

westboro
As I review the events from yesterday in my mind, I remember the tweet from the Christian Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick saying that this is what we deserve ("you reap what you sow"), I remember "Pastor" Pat Robertson saying that this is God's punishment for allowing marriage equality, and I see images of the ubiquitous Westboro Baptist Church and their usual hatred... I realize: I have far more to fear from you so-called "Christians" than I do from any Muslim group. I have more to fear from your organized hatred than from any single homophobic individual. Your justification of this massacre as "deserved" hurts me far more than any bullet ever will. I am reminded of a quote often attributed to Gandhi: "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." Read More...
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Long Lost Love

Mystery-Man-Avatar
So through a roundabout way, I came across a photo of the first boy I ever dated way back in high school, 1984. Thirty-two years ago.
One of my best friends, Jenny, dated a guy,we'll call him Chris, for a short while. Chris was a football jock. And secretly gay. He is now a leather pup owned by a leather bear title holder. Things change.
Since Chris knows my friend Don through the leather community, he showed up on my Faceplace page as "Someone you might know."
And next to his picture was a photo of David.
The first boy I loved. Read More...
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Two Torrid Tales, Deux

GayPulp2
OK, it's Saturday morning, I'm having coffee, I'm awake.
Time for the second tale.
So last week I met a guy - also on Tinder, I believe, though maybe on Surge (the new, all-gay version of Tinder). We flirted for a day or two, mutual chemistry, intelligent, good sense of humor, the whole lot.
Then one night we did something I haven't done since high school - we talked on the phone for 3 hours. Read More...
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Two Torrid Tales

GayPulp3
This may get a little spicy for some of you, but I have two stories to tell about two guys that I (sort of) had dates with this past week.
They're both bad, and one of the stories involves where I put my penis, so you may want to skip this if you're not ready for that kind of information.
To begin, I had this date with a guy I met off Tinder. Yes, I'm on Tinder. I figured it was less hookup-ey than Scruff or Growlr and I really wanted to go on a date.
So I meet this guy, he's shy, he says, and he doesn't want to meet in Hillcrest, so we meet at a coffee place in Normal Heights and then go have a burger and beer.
We're chatting, but I'm anxious and he's shy and it is going slowly. Read More...
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Do Esteemable Acts

GMAGALCFundraiser
I once heard Dr. Laura Schlesinger talk about how bogus self-esteem was the way parents and teachers talk about it.
"We have to give our children good self esteem" callers would say.
Wrong. Self esteem comes from within. You can't give it to anyone. If you want to feel good about yourself, you have to do esteemable acts, she would advise callers. Read More...
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Beach Blanket Bummer

IMG_0771
So I've been obsessing about something for the past 24 hours and I figured that if I wrote about it, maybe I could exorcise it from my brain pan.
Last night I totally got ditched by 20 people at a party.
Let me back up and explain. Read More...
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Backing Away

IMG_0061
It is said that what annoys you most in others is often a reflection of what annoys you about yourself. The traits that annoy us most in others are probably the issues we most need to work on the most. Fuck that noise.
I hate flaky behavior. Read More...
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Gettin' Active

12642661_485959544941680_3988470314152783851_n
My review of Friday night: Happy Hour at Top of the Bay is a beautiful location with beautiful men and views. Of men.
And I don't lie.
It may be the prettiest place I've been since I moved down here; dingy dive-y Pecs it ain't.
But this was just the end of a really great week. There is so much more to tell. Read More...
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Socialite

WBC Heart Paw-01
Where do I begin this week? It's been two weeks since I wrote - I think I needed that much time to recover from that 8 hour drinking binge on Sunday Funday, which I celebrated this weekend with a 6 hour drinking binge on Friday night. Read More...
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Sunday Funday

160327-PMF-079
Damn.
I took today off work. I had to.
I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and I was still drunk. I almost fell over going to the bathroom - not because it was dark, but because someone kept shaking the floor like an old rug they were airing out.
I drank a lot on Sunday.
And it's all Phat's fault. Read More...
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Running Up That Hill

160327-PMF-095
Who knew that just trying one thing different - going solo to a show - could start so much change?
Yes, I dove in and went to a play by myself. And yes, I was asked to step in for a missing photographer. And they liked my work.
And I enjoyed the show.
And then that Friday night I went out with the Gay Happy Hour group and had a great time in a new bar. And then Saturday I went out to a bar that is walking distance from my apartment - WALKING. DISTANCE. - and hung out with the San Diego Bears for a social hour night. And then… Read More...
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Janet! Brad! Rocky! Me... Alone.

160323-RockyHorror-013-2
In an effort to prove to myself that I am different, than I am evolving, I did something last night that I don't think I've done before: I went to the theater alone.
Yes, I've done it when I was out of town on business. When I was traveling alone in New York, of course I went to see a show or two on my own. It's fucking Broadway!
But I've not done it in my "home town." I've used Craigslist to find last-minute dates, I've sold pairs of tickets when I couldn't find anyone to go with, I've even just skipped shows when someone backs out or when I didn't plan ahead - just thrown away that money for fear of looking weird sitting in a show alone.
But this is the new me. Read More...
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Natural Masculinity

midway
I see it all the time online: "Masc 4 masc only" but I never pay much attention to it. If you're sucking dick, you can be masculine, effeminate, bearish, bullish, I don't care. I find masculine hairy men attractive sometimes; I find smooth slender, slightly feminine men attractive sometimes. There's a whole package to connect with, right? Read More...
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Breaking Out

"
160226-OutOfPlace-013
I know how it feels to be cooling my heels, I've been down on them long enough. But if I take to them now then maybe somehow, you'll see through the bluff, I'm not playing it ought. I've been a lifetime on deposit and that's a long time in the closet, and if you say to me, "How was it?" It was hard taking that heart-breaking god-forsaken route, but I'm (ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba) breaking out."
- Oscar Drill and the Bits Read More...
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It Is Done

160218-Background-002
So as of midnight tonight, my lease is up on my Hollywood apartment. I no longer rent two homes, and I am no longer tied to anything in Los Angeles.
In the short 3 weeks that I have been in San Diego, I have come to see that this was, indeed, a very good thing.
Sure, I said the same thing about coming back from Boracay to Hollywood, but that was akin to Romeo's mad love upon seeing Juliet, a girl he knew nothing of. I knew nothing of what life would be like in Hollywood. And it wasn't me. Read More...
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Moved In

Pasted Graphic
Well, February 3 began with me living in Hollywood, and ended with me living in San Diego.
I am not a Sandy Eggan. In training.
I'm really pleased with Day One: the movers were great, they did everything and sipped coffee and watched as the two Russian men loaded all my belongings into the giant truck that I didn't have to drive; the freeway was bare so that I got down to SD in just a bit over two hours, and had time for lunch and a little nap before the movers arrived to unload all my belongings into the new apartment; the apartment is huge, not just because it has two bedrooms, but the rooms are each huge; the water is clean and pure, no more yellowy tapwater from the apartment pipes; the water pressure is amazing, and hot!
So much good about the move. Read More...
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