A Break from the Past

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I'm taking a break from the journals of the 90s to reflect on the now.
It isn't good.
I turned 50 a few months ago, and I have realized some pretty depressing things since then. I don't have a life. I am slowly losing the passion for photography that I once had. Part of that is a difficulty in finding guys to pose for me (now that Craigslist and Backpage have been shut down by the government) and part of that is lacking any energy or desire to go out and do anything that would be worth photographing.
And I started peeling at that onion. I'm not just losing my passion for photography - my one and only hobby - I've lost my passion for life. This became extremely evident during the two weeks I had off for spring break. I did nothing. Nothing. I barely left the house. I napped for hours each day to pass the time. I went to bed early each night. There were days I literally did not open my front door at all, sometimes two or three of them in a row. Other days I only opened it for the pizza delivery. Read More...
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April 1994

April 2, 1994
A word about Tony. He is a 37-year-old CPA. Meets me last November for kinky BDSM sex with another guy chez-moi and three months later we go on a date. Bodybuilder, nice guy. But something is strange. He is a wanna-be rich guy and it seems to piss him off that he isn't REALLY rich. I've seen anger at the strangest things. Then, there is also the fact that we haven't fucked on a date even once, though I spend the night once a week. I thought he was getting more personal - he invited me to a gala AIDS benefit post-Oscar party hosted by Elton John, and then to a Passover Seder later that same week. But no such luck - back pain or fatty gas or something gets in the way. He did take me to see Sunset Blvd with Glenn Close - great fucking show! But the money doesn't really impress me unless it gets me things I need; entertainment can be had cheaply; car repairs, clothing, and rent - these things can not. Read More...
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March 1994

March 27, 1994
Day one (again) for my health regime. I refuse to believe that my ideal weight is 185. Let's shoot for 165, shall we? Fat-free & workouts are my goals. Let the rest take care of itself. Two men in my life, yet neither of them makes me as happy as a fun day with Thom. Roommates in our house for one month now. Been topsy-turvey. Working in LA now and am the golden boy. Still must work on building friendships and building a support network. I will call the gay center and explain my feelings of a stranger in paradise. Ha. Movies with Alex tonight. It's very nice to have an ex- as a friend. Note: he and I broke up after my Las Vegas trip indiscretion ("Thank you for coming out of my dreams and into my life.") Want to get back into computers and photography. I need a hobby to be more interesting I think. Therefore I am. Read More...
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February 1994

February 14, 1994
Made a commitment to myself today: To count and consider my blessings. I have been abusing my body for two weeks, since the breakup with Alex, and it is time to stop. I am my own Valentine. Exercise and nutrition are key in my life. Sex is no longer the focus. As of today, I worship in the temple that is me. Corny? Perhaps, but it seems to work. My goal is to begin Quick Trim again on Wednesday for two weeks, then maintain a good exercise & eating plan. Then, the last two weeks before Easter, Quick Trim again. Tanning & exercise daily. Giving up masturbation and alcohol. Beginning rap group and other support. Building friends and deciding where my life is going. And what to do with Thom? Move with him or move him out? The healthier choice I hope. Mental and physical health are my new goals. They are done!
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November 1993

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November 22, 1993
Time heals everything - so give me more time. Fucked up at work again. Hid from Clay all weekend and now he wants to know where I was when he needed me. I don't want the responsibility but I somehow want the perks. We have a meeting scheduled for after work on Tuesday to discuss "my future with the company." I have a date tonight with a guy who is seeing someone else in a "committed relationship." What am I doing?! Watched Oprah today - a show about her 35 year battle with fat. She was reading journal entries, that is what made me dig this up again. There are almost three years of history in this tome. Anyway, more on fat later. Read More...
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March 1993

March 2, 1993
Hey, kids, what time is it? It's psycho killer mystery theater time; the time when I tell a story so when I become a gun-wielding maniac they can read this and understand. Tonight's episode: Jason. You remember, from 6 February. So the whole time I am in Hawaii he is thinking how I treat him so well and how he can see a future with me and how he missed me greatly. He even got upset that I didn't call him the minute I got home. So we made a date for tonight. Nothing. No sparks, no passion, no romance, not even much conversation. He couldn't tell me in person what he said on the phone. Makes one wonder, does it not? Here is this guy I find very interesting and extremely attractive laying with his legs across my lap, all the while me stroking his chest and legs and he does not make the slightest move toward me. And talking about it only makes it worse. I even went so far as to tell him that he should call me when he can talk and I will see him again then. At least he is honest enough to tell me that I hurt his feelings with that comment. More later. Read More...
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January 1993

livewire
January 12, 1993
Ack-centuate the Positive!
My motto for today. Two years I have had this book, and it finally has a purpose. I am grateful for that. In defining its purpose I am discovering my own. So many people tell me how wonderful I am. I intend to prove it. I took steps today - calling Rich after 2 months, calling Charles to say hello, calling John to apologize, calling Pete for lunch, and forgave myself for all my carelessness in handling these relationships in the past. See, "Everyday, in every way, I am getting better and better." I finished reading a book on focusing on the positive and now will go back and USE it! School started for me today - yet another way I am improving myself. Short but to the point today. I am thankful for the chance to do it right, right now! Read More...
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November 1992

November 24, 1992
The longest journey begins with the tiniest step forward. And for a change, I am not prompted to write due to a new man in my life. No, this time I am looking for a new me in my life. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and it really frightened me that I couldn't find much to be thankful for. It isn't a good feeling to wake up each day and have nothing to look forward to. No goals. No dreams. No love. No life. I need a change. I watched Shirley MacLaine's movie "Out on a Limb" and realized that a long time ago I began a journey that I aborted and never looked for a final answer. Now it is my time to find my answer. Exercise and diet are my first tools, study and research will be next tools in my quest. I begin now. Only good food for my body. In the morning I am gonna skate down to the beach. I think it would be healthy for me to get a start before the sun sets. Read More...
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January 1992

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January 13, 1992
Over a year since I began - look how far I have gone!
I wish to capture a few thoughts here and make a commitment to check in here at least weekly. So much history can be captured herein. I weigh 166 today. A long way from 260, yes? Short hair instead of the hippie long I sported 12 months ago. Seeing a nice boy (Jesse) rather than being married to Carolyn - how much more opposite can I get?
Though only a waiter again, life looks pretty good. More on Jesse and such events in another entry. I just felt like making some comparisons and stressing my enjoyment of my life RIGHT NOW! Read More...
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Looking Back to Move Forward

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I'm no Anne Frank. Let's begin there. I'm not trying to be famous after I die (what's the value in that?)
I'm not exactly sure why I keep these in the first place.
But what I do believe is that the diaries of my youth have no value if I never go back and read them. And since I'm going back to read them, I may as well share them here as weekly-ish blog posts.
Let's begin where I can begin: January 1, 1991… literally half my life ago. Read More...
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