March 1994

March 27, 1994
Day one (again) for my health regime. I refuse to believe that my ideal weight is 185. Let's shoot for 165, shall we? Fat-free & workouts are my goals. Let the rest take care of itself. Two men in my life, yet neither of them makes me as happy as a fun day with Thom. Roommates in our house for one month now. Been topsy-turvey. Working in LA now and am the golden boy. Still must work on building friendships and building a support network. I will call the gay center and explain my feelings of a stranger in paradise. Ha. Movies with Alex tonight. It's very nice to have an ex- as a friend. Note: he and I broke up after my Las Vegas trip indiscretion ("Thank you for coming out of my dreams and into my life.") Want to get back into computers and photography. I need a hobby to be more interesting I think. Therefore I am. Read More...

July 1993

July 12, 1993
I have decided that Steven is important enough to begin writing about. So, in brief, here is a recap of the last week.
July 3 - met Steven Allen M----- at Ripples. Took him home. Oral sex, no intercourse. Lots of conversation and giddy "mushy" talk. Beach sunrise.
July 4 - Went to a party with Thom at Steven's new house. He walked me home and spent the night. More of the same as above.
July 6 - 10:30 pm phone call. Steven invites me over to his house. No sex at all. MUCH personal talk - pasts, family, etc.
July 10 - First Date. Picnic in my living room. Steven brings Chinese. Flowers for him. His face broken out from my beard while kissing him. Spent the night but no more kissing and, consequently, no intercourse. Discussion of my fear of sexual penetration. Talk of future plans. Watched Steel Magnolias. Read More...

November 1993

November 22, 1993
Time heals everything - so give me more time. Fucked up at work again. Hid from Clay all weekend and now he wants to know where I was when he needed me. I don't want the responsibility but I somehow want the perks. We have a meeting scheduled for after work on Tuesday to discuss "my future with the company." I have a date tonight with a guy who is seeing someone else in a "committed relationship." What am I doing?! Watched Oprah today - a show about her 35 year battle with fat. She was reading journal entries, that is what made me dig this up again. There are almost three years of history in this tome. Anyway, more on fat later. Read More...

March 1993

March 2, 1993
Hey, kids, what time is it? It's psycho killer mystery theater time; the time when I tell a story so when I become a gun-wielding maniac they can read this and understand. Tonight's episode: Jason. You remember, from 6 February. So the whole time I am in Hawaii he is thinking how I treat him so well and how he can see a future with me and how he missed me greatly. He even got upset that I didn't call him the minute I got home. So we made a date for tonight. Nothing. No sparks, no passion, no romance, not even much conversation. He couldn't tell me in person what he said on the phone. Makes one wonder, does it not? Here is this guy I find very interesting and extremely attractive laying with his legs across my lap, all the while me stroking his chest and legs and he does not make the slightest move toward me. And talking about it only makes it worse. I even went so far as to tell him that he should call me when he can talk and I will see him again then. At least he is honest enough to tell me that I hurt his feelings with that comment. More later. Read More...


January 30, 1991
Sunrise, sunset… swiftly flow the days. So much has happened. World events aside (though I have been saving the front page of the paper for posterity), domestic trials appear to be over. I have seen a therapist who Carolyn and I both feel might help. She and I have reconciled most of our differences and are trying a new approach to a relationship - honesty. We have cleansed a lot of old issues and decided against taboos in our marriage. We have even been making new friends: a married couple with whom we work. We have also been integrated into the work clique as we have been to happy hour and a Super Bowl party with the group. Andrew is phasing out, Christopher is a fringe and I have found sincere friendship in Carolyn. School is in full swing and is keeping me very busy. Yesterday was my first anniversary at AVED - a feat of which I was considerably proud seeing as I have only remained steadily employed for this duration once before in my life: Claim Jumper. No one at AVED even remarked on it, nor has anyone made any offer of a performance or wage review. I have been terrified of broaching the subject - and generally feeling unappreciated. The hour is late, more tomorrow. Read More...

The Return

I haven't posted much about this at all, but since I've gone through to the other side, I want to say that I'm grateful to have been offered my job back for next year.
I was given a RIF notice (a layoff notice for non-teacher types) in March because of an $11M budget shortfall for next year. However last night the board voted to rescind my termination and keep my contract running for another year.
I've been moody and feeling negative for about two months since I found out, and today is the first day that I feel like I know that I'm going to be ok, staying here in San Diego, and enjoying my summer with the assurance of a job and paycheck next fall.

Switching Gears

I don't know how I feel about putting this all out here yet, but since it is something that frightens me, I feel like maybe I should just do it and get over it.
It's a step in dealing with my constant anxiety.
What I am saying in public is that I am a compulsive overeater and have a very negative relationship with food.
I am an emotional binger and my triggers are anxiety and panic. Read More...

The Story So Far...

About a month ago I told the tale of how I have been terminated for next year because of budget cuts and federal government uncertainty in how public schools will be funded.
Today, I give you an update.
We had a meeting with the district superintendent and learned that because the state budget comes out on the same date as the May board meeting, there will be no discussion of rescinding RIF notices or rehiring staff at that meeting. The next meeting is in June, after the school year ends. Read More...

Fired Up

I'm not sure what is stranger - that I haven't blogged anything in two months or that I am back today, blogging again.
Anyway, I was motivated to write my feelings in order to keep from sliding into some dark place.
You see, today I was fired.


I haven't talked to anyone in 3 days.
I mean, I've gone to work, I've done my job, I've taught. But I haven't engaged with any adults on the topic of Tuesday's election.
I haven't made a Facebook post or commented on any other posts on the topic.
I haven't been texting my friends for our daily bullshit like I used to do.
I'm not shocked. I'm not stunned…

The Beginning

Today was the first day of school; it was a minimum day so I had 34 minutes with each of my classes.
I remember nothing about them.
It's all a blur.
Maybe because all I can concentrate on is that the wonderful photo streak I had going on is officially over.
I mean, I've gone from images like this:
To photos of…. eggs.

Summer Session

I got a message from a colleague at my old school. You may recall that I left there rather suddenly, and that one of the main reasons was the (in my opinion) poor leadership of the principal and the lack of support she gave the staff.
I got a message that she has quit. She is not coming back next year. She is done.
For a brief moment I felt like - "Oh no! I should have stayed! Things can get better now that she's gone!" Read More...

Natural Masculinity

I see it all the time online: "Masc 4 masc only" but I never pay much attention to it. If you're sucking dick, you can be masculine, effeminate, bearish, bullish, I don't care. I find masculine hairy men attractive sometimes; I find smooth slender, slightly feminine men attractive sometimes. There's a whole package to connect with, right? Read More...

It Is Done

So as of midnight tonight, my lease is up on my Hollywood apartment. I no longer rent two homes, and I am no longer tied to anything in Los Angeles.
In the short 3 weeks that I have been in San Diego, I have come to see that this was, indeed, a very good thing.
Sure, I said the same thing about coming back from Boracay to Hollywood, but that was akin to Romeo's mad love upon seeing Juliet, a girl he knew nothing of. I knew nothing of what life would be like in Hollywood. And it wasn't me. Read More...

Week One Done

I have completed one week at my new job. My first high school job. It was a tough start, but definitely a good move for me.
Though I spent a few days with the outgoing teacher getting ready, I wasn't prepared for the first moment when that first bell rang on Tuesday. The school had scheduled a lock-down drill. I hadn't even introduced myself to the class of 32 students when the lockdown began. Here I am, someone they don't know, someone they have no respect for yet, trying to get them to focus and be quiet for a 40-minute lockdown drill where the local police came around testing every door, looking at every room, and giving on-the-scene advice about door barricades, lights, sound, etc. It was a good learning experience, but it was a horrible way to start my first day.
It got better as the day, and week, continued. Read More...


So much newness going on.
I've met new people, I've had a date, I've finished my first day at the new job.
Where should I start?
So my first night down here, I met up with Jeff for deli sandwiches and chatter. This past weekend I dragged him and his boyfriend out to Balboa Park to wander around taking photos. We must have walked around for an hour or more on a beautifully sunny San Diego Saturday. Then we had Chinese food in Hillcrest and enjoyed a bit of lunch together. It was nice being out and meeting new people. They invited me to a bear party that evening, but for some reason I didn't go. I'm not very good at parties unless I have an anchor friend to hang with - maybe that was it. Read More...

Quittin' Time

Today at 4:15 was the most nervous I've been in ages. I'd been leading up to it all day, but 4:15 was the moment when I was ready - I went downstairs to the administration office and asked to speak to the principal. She was busy rehearsing the opening number of the spring musical.
I went into the rehearsal room and asked if she would have any time available between now and 4:30.
She said she did not; she would be choreographing this number until after 5:30. She asked if it was urgent. Read More...

Everything Changes

I've just come back from two days in San Diego chasing what I hope will be a good dream.
I have always loved San Diego - all those night trips to the Loading Zone leather bar in the borrowed white VW Cabriolet, blue and white striped luggage in the trunk for a quick change of clothes after all-night drinking binges. I have enjoyed sleeping on the beach in front of the Hotel Del Coronado when we were too drunk to drive home after said nights. I have so many memories of SD in my 20's… and then it just stopped being a real place.
All of that is to say that I am now moving to San Diego. Read More...

A Flicker in the Dark

Two weeks of the new year are over. The holidays are now fading back into the fog.
In those two weeks, I've had two social outings - both with Roger. Nobody else seems to remember that I'm still here. Which is fine. It's giving me motivation to find work elsewhere and to, once again, move on and start over.
I have had quite a lot of interest in my resume; quite a few schools all over California and Asia have set up interviews. I was feeling really good about the fact that my resume and reputation are so positive and popular. Read More...

At the Start

120910 - 22
Here we are, one week into 2016. I thought I'd check in and start using my blog for personal therapy. I haven't got anyone else to talk to, so like an 11-year-old girl talking to her diary, I'm here to talk to you.
What's good?
Over winter break, I filled out dozens of job applications for teaching positions both here in California and overseas with recruiting agencies.
This week, I've had 4 interview offers.